Cardiovascular Exercise No. 343

Read the ground rules for improving the image of the Ugly American (from the Süddeutsche Zeitung’s gear up for the Soccer World Series).

1. While you are considering your reputation for being loud, arrogant and ignorant, give thanks you are not saddled with repairing the image of Germans.

2. Learn something about other cultures, e.g., how do you tell a British guy from a German? The German guy looks for a container to puke in.

3. Arm yourself with the knowledge that Germans are completely different than those in the new world commonly think. Well, okay they’re not...but it’s going to take you years to realize that.

4. Don’t say anything positive about George W. Bush, prison camps or single digit unemployment.

5. Refrain from asking sweet, friendly (normal really) people to come home and live in your apartment and be worshipped as icons of human potential.

6. Don’t approach the subject of health, unless you want to be bored out of your skull.

7. Don’t complain about the cigarette smoke, just concentrate on the fact that smelling it makes you feel young again.

8. Take at least a cursory look at the “Germany Survival Bible” (translated from the Greek by Martin Luther and published in 1534).

9. Don’t bother reading the guide to driving in Germany, simply take note of the fact that every entry ends with the sentence, “You'll either get a ticket or you'll die.”

10. Do carry a gun, it’ll crack them up that you’re such a Klischee.