The least I can do

Was sitting in a museum café with my infinitely superior half the other day, and repeated what I thought I’d heard, “I could come here and read the Grapes of Wrath?” expecting the usual hilarity. All you have to do here is repeat what you think you’ve heard (in English or German), the difference between perception and reality is almost guaranteed to be amusing. Seriously, even if you’re not easily amused, try it out. Go to a country where you couldn’t pronounce the word ‘higher’ if your life depended on it, not with a warning and a head start, nothing, no way…you’ll see what I mean. Anyway, the guy across from us was actually reading The Grapes of Wrath. He probably understood what I said, because I don’t think the subject would have come up had he been reading Früchte des Zorns (Fruit of Spleen)...or Die Straße der Ölsardinen (The Street of Oil Sardines). But it wasn’t embarrassing, almost nothing is, in a place where grasping things cannot be taken for granted. Not even flying off your bike, should a small, poorly supervised dog stop dead in its tracks in front of you (Die Fahrt der Beagle).

Geography

This girl I know, and by girl I mean an adolescent female, wrote me about her geography test on Europe last week (“you have to put it a half inch of where it is or it's wrong”). She thought it would be annoying to live in the Balkans, because of the long names. I was tempted to tell her that they have many things to be annoyed by, exactly what I don’t know, as a ‘short history’ of the region only succeeded in making my head spin. Does she need to know how many people were beaten up there recently for public displays of affection? Do I tell her how they are barrelling towards their assumed goal of joining the rest of the continent so quickly that peacekeeping duties no longer require the cooperation of the entire North Atlantic, but have been taken over by cosier forces like EUSUK and EULIE. She now knows the capital of Slovenia is Ljubljana (and can actually spell it), do I tell her about the ‘forced relocation—after residents threatened to expel them’ of an extended Roma family in one of its suburbs last month...or should I just mention how a friend went there and everyone was quite nice, and their English was excellent (and that most cities and countries have completely different names in German, not to mention in their own languages).

She’s 13, still at the age where one feels drawn to stem the tide of (oh so overrated) maturity. What to say, what not to say. Hereabouts, members of my own ilk that pay this sort of news any heed (as gauged by witnessing them say boo about it), could easily be counted on one or no hands. Things just drop off the radar, like socialism in the United States, or the following in Germany:

Antihistamine



Bigfoot



Prozac



UFO abductions



Abusive priests

Mr. Rogers vs. Germans

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Would you be mine
Could you be mine

It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood
A neighborly day for a beauty
Would you be mine
Could you be mine

SA headquarters? Just down the street
Ramming into folks on the sidewalk is always a treat
Got permanent residency so you can kiss my ass
Like a Disneyland Passport with less fiberglass

So, let's make the most of this beautiful day
Since we're together we might as well say
Would you be mine, could you be mine
Won't you be my neighbor
Won't you please, won't you please
Please won't you be my neighbor

Okay, so maybe the Germans aren’t as nice as Fred Rogers was (they would have called him superficial)—they’re not as creepy either...however, they are into model trains and puppets. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Democracy, not panning out?

The top story in the local (reputable) paper today was, ‘The majority of Germans are unsatisfied with democracy.’ In the land of Hitler and the former East Germany—where getting over either of these things is still a daily struggle for millions of people—this is not surprising...unless you’re American, and then it elicits a kind of what the fuck?! response. Perhaps somewhere in the dark recesses of their highly cultured minds, the ‘majority’ of Germans think that it went rather well with communism and fascism...all told.